films seen
average score
Alive and kicking


The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund

2016 / 75m - UK
The Exorcism of Anna Ecklund poster


2015 / 94m - UK
Robert poster

Annabelle was enough of a success to spawn some cheap knock-offs, Robert is one of the most prominent ones. At least in name, as the film itself is utter shite. To the point where I couldn't help but wonder with what kind of aspirations a film like this is actually being made (if any, of course).

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When Jenny and Paul fire their aging housemaid, she doesn't take the news well. Before she departs, she leaves Robert, her doll, with Gene, Jenny and Paul's son. Gene quickly takes to the doll, but soon enough strange things start happening in their house. His parents suspect Gene is acting out, but he points to Robert.

I'm no stranger to cheap and/or amateurish horror, but those film usually try to compensate with sheer enthusiasm. Robert is a dead serious film, and it actually looks like a genuine attempt at horror, it's just horrible, through and through. Even the low budget shouldn't be an excuse for such a dumb-looking doll, which is supposed to be the core scare element of the film. Unless you like bottom of the barrel cinema, it's better to just avoid this one.

The Amityville Asylum

2013 / 88m - UK
The Amityville Asylum poster

Cheaper than cheap. The Amityville Asylum has little to do with the Amityville franchise, it's just a film about a mental asylum that tries to lure a few extra viewers by referencing a famous brand. I guess it helped as I ended up watching the film, but the result is even poorer than most films in the actual franchise (and that's a pretty low bar).

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So they tore the Amityville house down and put an asylum in its place. Lisa gets hired as a cleaner, but soon enough her job starts to take a serious toll on her mental health. The caretakers mistreat the patients, see sees apparitions and the ward with the criminally insane is a vile place to clean. Cue a sinister plot.

The film is just really amateurish. Performances are crap, the sound mix is hilarious (with much of the music fully drowning out the dialogues) and the cinematography is substandard. Some moments are moody, but they're completely overshadowed by the poor execution elsewhere. A bland and cheap attempt to cash in on a franchise that isn't very good to begin with.